I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective disorder back in 2006, along with a laundry list of diagnoses. I hear voices that even the God’s can’t hear because they do not really exist. I have hallucinated people at places they have never been, had full on conversations with voices that don’t exist, and have been irrationally paranoid about everything you could think of. I thought my mom was the actual Devil or Satan, and have ditched innocent friends because I thought they were in on “it,” what ever new paranoid theory I had at the time.
I have come along way from back then. I went through the roller coaster of the med train and came out the other side finding the right med finally. I’ve been on just about every anti-psychotic you could think of till I found the right one. I just take one little pill and it has changed my life for the better. I won’t say which one, as each person is different and what works for me, may or may not work for you. I’m not a doctor, just a wordy patient.
How can I even begin to describe what hearing voices is like to normal people? Try this experiment, grab a friend or relative, ask them to follow you around the house for one whole day and whisper in your ear or speak loudly right behind your head. They should give a commentary on everything you do. Shout insults at you as loud as they can and never stop talking to you no matter how much you scream. Try having a conversation with someone else while this friend or relative is talking to you instantly. Try taking a nap with someone whispering in your ear, or try reading a book while they are yelling profanities behind your back. And have them follow you until you are snoring in your bed, because there is nothing worse than hearing voices while you are trying to go to sleep.
I’ve been woken up out of a dead sleep by the voices screaming at me. How unnerving do you think that was? Very! I once was (not to be crass) going to the bathroom and randomly the voices said to me, “I turn away while it wipes it’s cunt.” I was mortified. First off, I believed that this voice was a spirit watching me and only I could hear him. And I was embarrassed that it was in the bathroom with me. Of course in the real world, there was no spirit, just a disgusting voice in my head.
The voices are not always nice, and they never go away, not completely, even onto today. Although the meds I’m on work, for the most part, I don’t hear them nor hallucinate, but occasionally they will rear their ugly head and make their presence known.
I didn’t know I was hearing voices that were not really there for years after being diagnosed. It took me like eight years to figure it out. It all seemed so real to me. Even in the normal world we rely on our senses to define the world. This table is real, because I can see it, feel it, interact with it, therefor it is real. Well the voices I could hear, see, and have full conversations with, therefore my theory that someone or something invisible was following me around, sounded plausible.
I was lucky, the guy in real life who’s voice the voices mimicked was a friend at that time of mine. We had many deep conversations about the voices, and he started me on the path to recognizing that I was hearing voices and that he was not spiritually following me around. Had the voices sounded like no one I knew, and I didn’t have those conversations with him, I probably would still deep down inside believe the paranoid delusions and theories I had about the voices were real.
Now a days I don’t listen to the voices when they speak. I don’t entertain them nor give them any merit. When I hear them often enough, I talk to my doctor and get a med adjustment or reevaluate the stressors in my life and try to alleviate the pressures in my life. I go to therapy on a weekly basis and take those poison pills. Don’t get me wrong the pills saved my life but still they are poison to my liver and body. I do Not like taking them but I have no choice if I want to stay sane and sleep good.