Engorged with Hate.

found on pintrest

Engorged with Hate.

I can’t stop this dripping down the back of my throat.
My heart is pounding
and my head is still screaming.
The Voices yell louder over my anguish
and I’m starting to go blind.
I read the good book,
but it’s words are not penetrating my soul.
My thirst rages for his blood,
never to be quenched.
I need to know that others have felt just like this.
I have to know that I am still human
and that this too shall pass.
I have to hear the comforting words of another
who has seen the light and come through this dark trail
and vanquished the demons from their heart.
I have to feel this is possible,
before I take my last sane breath.
I feel I am slipping into a gorge I may not come out of.
I feel this time I may not crawl back out of the pit.
I’m scared this is a trap and I’m running into it.
I’ve reached my breaking point of sink or swim.
Is this a new level of light or darkness that I’m going through?
Will I come out ahead or further behind?
The jaws of this test are clenching me tighter than ever before,
and just like before, I am scared and alone.
Each test is harder and the stakes are higher.
Somehow I feel not this time
but soon my life maybe the price.
It’s ironic,
all my life I’ve tried to throw away my flesh,
and Now, I cling to this life like a suckling pig.
As if everything depended on one more breath.
Every beautiful sunset,
Cherished.
Every kind deed by a stranger,
every memory of my cat sleeping,
tucked tightly in my heart.
I need to hold onto these things.
Maybe like the white mustard seed,
these beloved memories will grow.
I don’t want the Icy Indifference
or the flames of hatred.
I just want love,
everyday in every way.
I need this love to fill up every void,
dry up every tear,
and wipe away the memories of all of you antagonists.
I’m not Jesus,
not even close.
But if I could even just taste his words…
I’m sure this will all go away.
But I feel unworthy to even untie his shoes.
I feel cast aside and forgotten.
But I keep holding out my tongue,
trying to catch little rays of light.
Hoping like snow flakes that they will just fall into my mouth.
I have to hold onto that box of cherished memories.
It feels like it’s all I have left.
Or maybe it’s all I will ever need…

Ck out me reading this poem on Soundcloud, please follow the link below…

https://soundcloud.com/amanda-dalmas/engorged-with-hate

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