A Child’s Lament
You died 27 years ago, and it still feels like yesterday.
And for 27 years, I have not felt your presence around me.
I’ve tried everything, psychics, altars, a boveda, nothing could call you to me.
Only once did I see your spirit, and you left me again, going back to the light.
But yesterday, I felt your energy around me as I did yard work.
You always used to take such pride in the yard looking good.
I felt as if you were in my face.
I felt my face contort it’s self into the same faces you used to make.
I felt a comfort that I had not felt in these long years with out you.
Fathers Day is coming up….I usually try to ignore it because you are dead, therefore, the holiday is meaningless to me, with out you being around.
But Fathers Day this year is affecting me now.
I always just stuffed my feelings in a dark corner and tried to forget about you.
A horrible way to deal, I know.
But a piece of me died with you.
The blizzard of 1994 felt like my heart.
It was cold, and unforgiving.
I would walk around talking, but my brain was in a haze.
I could hear my voice but I was not behind it.
I hardly laughed and mostly cried in the shower.
I had a dream after you died that you told me your soul would go away for a while….that death wasn’t so bad…that you were not suffering any more.
As the complications to Leukemia treatments had destroyed your body.
But you left me for a second time, and I became very angry with you.
And I never got a letter or a psychic call from you…
Only one time did I see your soul inside of a crazy man.
He/You said, “Are you my daughter?”
I replied, “If I was your daughter, what would you say to me?”
He/You looked as if you were about to say something…and then I saw you inside of him…you looked behind you and I saw a blinding bright white light.
The light called you, you looked back at me, and then you went to the light.
Again, leaving me in a world I HATE to live in with out you.
Mom still loves you.
She never dated a soul after you died.
She never even kissed anyone else.
I wish I could be that strong.
I would of crumbled and died.
I did sorta die with you.
I disintegrated and tried to glue back the pieces.
But some pieces of me, I put in the breast pocket of the last suit you would ever wear.
And there they have stayed, buried deep within the Earth.
I am the lopsided rag doll.
Tossed aside when the child is done playing with it.
I am the abyss.
My heart is the black hole of my Universe.
I am a burnt offering.
Spent and waiting for your manifestation to appear.
I keep waiting, and waiting, and waiting.
But you never appeared,
What has changed?
Did I hit the magical lottery?
I don’t really care about the why’s or how’s,
All I want is to see you again.
I miss you. I love you. Happy Fathers Day.